Celebrities Who Would Make Great Soccer Players

April 29, 2014

Is it just me or does anyone else also think how celebrities would pan out if they were in a different line of work? Well to be honest, since the soccer World Cup is not too far away, I began thinking about celebs who would make good soccer players. So after thinking long and hard, I’ve come up with my own Celebrity Eleven. I even have a coach. The formation I’m going for will be 4-2-3-1.

So here’s the line up,

1-Donald TrumpGoalkeeper

Donald Trump will be my no-nonsense goalkeeper. There is an old adage in soccer, “all great teams are built from the back” and that starts with the man keeping the goal. Goalkeepers have to be authoritative, good organizers of the defense in front of them and commanding. Trump fits the bill perfectly in all three categories. Fireworks are guaranteed with him in the lineup. The defenders will not be taking any game lightly with him calling the shots, that’s for sure. Plus think about the Miss Universe-esque cheerleaders Mr. Trump will bring along.


Miss “Hips Don’t Lie” has the ability to bamboozle any player with her quick footwork, gorgeous looks and umm sudden change of direction. She could easily dance away from markers in tight positions and could swivel her way out of trouble every time. Plus dating Barcelona FC’s Gerard Pique must have given her an insight into the sport. We all remember Roger Milla’s hip shaking celebrations near the corner flag in the 1990 World Cup.  Imagine Shakira doing the same. Now that would be a sight for sore eyes.

3-Sarah PalinFullback

2008 Vice Presidential candidate and self confessed hunting enthusiast, Sarah Palin will put down opponents who got anywhere near her team’s goal. She certainly will not be daunted by any player who comes up against her. Palin will not shy away from challenges and that kind of grit is a big part of being a defender. I have a feeling Miss Palin could also contribute to tactics. After all that’s what politicians are good at, tactics and schemes.  And dirty tackles. With Shakira’s skills on one side and Palin’s tough as nails approach to the game on the other, I bet there won’t be too many players going past them. They will also make arguably the most stunning fullback pair in the world.

4-Dolph LundgrenCenter-back

6’’5’, rock solid, packing a powerful punch, Dolph Lundgren will be my Center back. Which offensive player would dare challenge for a corner when Ivan Drago is there? Lundgren reminds me of Nemanja Vidic, the colossal Manchester United (and soon to be Inter Milan) center back. The similarities are there, don’t you think? Imposing, tall, incredibly fit. He would be perfect in the back snuffing out attacks and dealing with aerial threats.  Plus imagine Lundgren giving the opposing team an Ivan Drago-ish stare down as they shake hands before the game whispering “I must break you”.

5-Brock LesnerCenter-back

Professional Wrestler, mixed martial artist and former football player: he will eat you alive, if he’s not hungry that is. Once Lesnar sacked Kansas City Chief Quarterback Damon Huard so hard, the poor guy had to sit the entire game out. Now imagine how Lesnar would tackle you in a soccer game. Just hurts thinking about it.

6-Sylvester StalloneDefensive Midfielder

Imagine having a combination of Rocky and Rambo on your side. Sylvester Stallone would make a pretty good holding midfielder in my opinion. Not a lot of players will try to go shoulder to shoulder with him or tackle him, unless of course they want their legs or jaws broken. Just seeing the guy ready to take you on should scare the hell out of any player. With this guy it will always be ‘it ain’t over till it’s over’.

7-Robbie WilliamsDeep Lying Playmaker

Every team needs a classy deep lying playmaker with killer passes to put his team ahead. This position in our Celebrity Eleven goes to none other than Robbie Williams. The guy knows how to play soccer. As in he actually does. He plays quite a lot of charity games and is quite good at kicking the ball as well. Expect him to ping passes to his players all over the field and then sit back and admire his genius while laughing to himself. With him the ego will certainly land when he’s in the squad.

8-Tom HanksAttacking Midfielder

Tom Hanks is an all around good guy. He comes across as someone who is always in control of his emotions and that is something very essential in soccer.  To top it all off, he is versatile too. Hanks would make a pretty good midfielder who can dictate play or operate between the lines just behind the striker in order to pull the opposition’s defense out of position. Plus he has his secret Forrest Gump mode as well, you know the one where he starts running and never looks back. He literally would run circles around the defense. And Yes, he is among my favorite actors too so that is a good enough reason for him to be on this list. The opposition will definitely be saying ‘Houston, we have a problem’ with him around.

9-Usain BoltWinger

The fastest man in the world and a diehard Manchester United fan, Usain Bolt once even asked Sir Alex Ferguson to give him a trial at the club. Apparently he knows more than just a thing or two about soccer. For me because of his pace and athletic ability he would terrorize full backs in the wings. So a perfect winger who would leave the opposition eating dust all day long. And just imagine how cool it would be if he scored a goal and celebrated with his trademark celebration ‘the bolt’.


Bolt’s counterpart on the other flank will be none other than Usher. He is strong and has quick feet. Expect him to make defenders dance with his stepovers before going past them in a flash to set up a goal or score one himself. Bolt and Usher will make a good combination.

11-Jackie ChanStriker

Strikers have to be lightning quick and technically gifted. That spot on the list goes to Jackie Chan. I mean do I even need to explain this? With all his super cool kung fu moves, the superstar from Hong Kong will be pulling defenders out of position before scoring all sorts of amazing goals. Plus think of the freestyle skills he’ll display once he gets the ball; if he can do it with a wine-bowl, he can do it with a football. His martial arts background should also help him score some outrageous bicycle kicks as well.

12-Angela Merkel – The Coach

The team will need a tough coach who will keep all these different characters in check and I can think of no better person for the job than German Chancellor, Angela Merkel. We all know she is demanding and nothing but perfection is good enough when she is calling the shots. On top of that, she is a thinker, so she can be expected to come up with the right tactics to win games. Heck, even Putin listens to her and he is supposed to be the international politics ‘Bad Boy’, so the players definitely know who to listen to, right?

So this was my celebrity eleven. If you think you can come up with a better one then let me know in the comments below. No former soccer players though, just celebrities who you think can really play soccer. Plus you need to give valid reasons as to why you picked them. Over to you guys! Let’s see who can come up with the best celebrity eleven.

1 Comment

  • Max says:

    Daniel Gutierrez headed in a pass from Harry Hilling 12 minutes into the second half to even the score and Gilchrist scored the game-winner with eight minutes left in regulation off another assist from Hilling.

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